The big decision

It's been a year since I finished my bachelors (yay) and I find myself doing the same things I've done since moving out of my parents house. At some point the feeling of cynicism took over me and makes it hard to survive in a town like mine. Everybody wants to get out of here, trust me ... for some reason we stay. It could be the family, friends or the party scene but let's be honest you can find that anywhere. Like any other el-pasoan it has crossed my mind to get outta town and never come back, I did and came back; once again I took it upon myself to find a new destination, a goal ... Gradschool (say it with a whisper for more dramatic effect)

There I go, scrambling between old cardboard portfolios and new lightbulbs to get my professional grove on. As much of an odyssey, it was a good workout to begin the organization of what I call "studio." At the beginning it was just my doubt playing; I had doubts about my skill, my trade, and my relationship so I thought applying to gradschool would be a good way to verify if anything of what I do has value. My mental state at that point was a dreadful flatline, as much as I hurried myself to get everything on time it seemed like a never ending drag ... I started feeling like living with my parents would feel like. But I did it, in time (last minute) everything complete in a cd with a hard copy of the contents and my artist statement, all inside an expensive folder paid to ship overnight. And so it went. In a month or so I received the letter stating "you're in!" in the most professional manner with instructions on where to look to figure out how to pay tuition.

Believe me when I say this, I wanted to be happy ... but that wasn't the case. The struggle to figure out what to do ... or better written ... how to move my crap to another city didn't compare with the struggle I was suffering inside. My inner girly-self had a conflict with my independent go-getter self. As much as I wanted to continue with my studied, it seemed like the thing left to do until I figure out what to do with an art degree, only to sacrifice my relationship and the love life I've always wanted. I could take up and leave regardless of whether my boyfriend still finished his bachelors or not, which meant he had to stay.  --- NO! I don't feel emotionally strong to carry on a distance relationship while performing tasks of stressful nature but hey let's give it a try. You know how good you are at screwing relationships ... have faith in you, you can do it. You can have it all --- I kept saying to myself throughout. All meanwhile my friends gave my the sad puppy eyes with a shocked expression when they found out I was leaving my man behind.

I took two trips to my new destination, the first time with my beloved and the second time alone ... It wasn't my cup of tea. I just didn't get it, gradschool has been such a goal for me and it's a great thing to accomplish but my sadness overflew my mind when I started thinking about my relationship and what it would become of it. Am I being selfish by leaving? Can it last? Am I going to make it without having a breakdown? Am I falling for the same emotional baggage every woman is tied to? I just couldn't do it, as much as I wanted it to work. I decided to be patient, to stay and wait for my partner in crime to finish his degree. Because I care for him and I cannot spend a day away from him, no matter how much I deny it to myself. I am allowing myself to stay in love and enjoy life together. It may be a dumb move in my career however it is the only thing I can look for. It's hard to find someone who cares about you and supports you loads. We are that kind of couple that is stronger when together and it's time to embrace it, even if that means staying here more time ... it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all